Lord of the Parodies
by Hyper-SpaceGrl
Summary: The following screenplay parody has been given a designated rating of PG13, standing for Paramount Greatness times 13, for rolling on the floor laughter mingled with hilarious satire bound to tickle your funnybone!
1. Fellowship, Part 1

**Lord of the Parodies: Fellowship of the Ring** (Part 1)  
_The following screenplay parody has been given a designated rating of _PG-13, _standing for _Paramount Greatness times 13, _for rolling on the floor laughter mingled with hilarious satire bound to tickle your funny-bone!_

**Author's Note: **Yes, I know: The ring does not have ADD, Bilbo had the _mithril _coat for way more than thirty days, and Sam's dad would never, ever teach him how to swim. But it's a _parody._ Take the jokes. This is based on the movie, but has allusions to the books (especially in TTT and RotK). However, you don't need to have read the books to get all of it. But read the books if you haven't! They're awesome! The _Fellowship_ is funny in a drawn-out way, but _Towers _and _King _are condensed. Rated PG, K+ (whatever) for some drinking and extensive insults.

A black screen is displayed, and dramatic music can be heard. Freaky Elvish whispering that no one really understands ensues. Then a melodramatic poetry session starts. **Finally**, Galadriel starts telling us the plot.

"The Elves are the best, and they only got three rings. Men are most corrupt, and they got nine. Go figure that one. But ultimately it didn't matter anyway, because this shady wizard, Sauron, created one ring to override all the rest," she says.

"Muahaha!" Sauron says in the fiery depths of Mount Doom. "Now I can rule all Middle Earth with my preciousssss."

Wild men attack villages.

But some villagers rebel and shout: "We have not yet begun to fight! We will unite or we will fall! Liberty, equality, and fraternity!"

An army of elves and men can be seen battling orcs… that is, trying to battle orcs. The fight is pretty one-sided. Sauron flings his staff and shouts, "Take that, King of Gondor."

Isildur gets really mad. "No! Dad!" Then he cuts off Sauron's ring. "Take that, "King" of Middle Earth. It's mine now! Muahaha! MY Prrecioussss."

Galadriel continues to narrate. "Next thing he knew, he was dead in a forsaken creek. The ring sank to the bottom until a freakazoid found it 2 and a half thousand years later."

"MY Prreciousssssssssssssssssss," Gollum hisses.

Galadriel continues, "Due to the ring's incurable case of ADD, it left Gollum after 500 years for a handsome young hobbit named Bilbo. Soon, it would get bored of him, too."

**The Shire: 60 Years Later**

We see a quiet, scenic countryside and a place where a hobbit is having a party. Fireworks are going off, and everyone is having a good time. Screams can be heard, and become more distinct as the camera pans in.

Various people start shouting: "Speech, Bilbo, _speech_!"

A very drunk Bilbo staggers up to a hill that he uses as a virtual podium. Then he says:

"My dearest relatives – Bagginses, Tooks, Brandybucks, and Proudfoots, just to name the half of you. Half of the other half of you doesn't have half the integrity to like me half as well as you should. In fact, if you saw me drop half dead in front of you in the street, you would probably half-heartedly shrug it off and wouldn't give half a halfpence if I died a half an hour later. But that isn't the half of it. I also don't know half of you half as well as I would like, and half the time I say things behind half your backs that aren't halfway decent that I end up regretting about a half a second later anyway. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. That's my speech, and if you liked it half as much as I enjoyed writing it, then I liked writing it twice as much as you enjoyed it."

Murmurs start to move through the crowd.

"Wow, Bilbo, how many bottles did you _have_!" shouts Frodo.

"Ok, now this is getting too personal," Bilbo declares. "So… time for me to split. Sorry, folks, I'll miss half of the good half of you half the rest of my days. Adios." Then he vanishes before anyone has a chance to react.

"Some farewell, Bilbo," shouts a random hobbit.

Frodo starts sobbing. "NO! Bilbo, wait! I take it back! Oh dear, I haven't even spent half as much time with you as I wanted."

Inside Bilbo's hobbit hole, he magically reappears, puts the ring in his pocket, and starts packing. His very **old **friend, the wizard Gandalf, sneaks up furtively behind him, scaring him half to death and making him jump as high as a human head stands.

"That was unethical abuse of a magic ring," he says. "Didn't your momma ever teach you any better? Really, Bilbo, I am ashamed of you. Honestly, I believe that you are beginning to exhibit some of the characteristics of that ring you carry, most of all, capriciously taking off like this—"

Bilbo leans close to Gandalf. "Are you implying that the ring is corrupting me?"

"I only said—"

Bilbo yells at the top of his lungs. "What's it matter to you, anyway, huh! Wanna take this outside? Let's go!"

Gandalf grows very agitated, acquiring an electric aura and a slow, deep voice that only a wizard or a synthesizer could make. "If you don't give that ring to Frodo, I will…"

Bilbo is instantly stunned, and drops the Ring like a hot potato as he books it.

Gandalf returns back to normal. "That's more like it." He scoops up the ring, which flashes an image of an eye at him. "Quirky thing."

Frodo comes in shouting. "**Bilbo! **…He's gone! Ugh, I was afraid he would take my comment too personally." He sobs into a fresh handkerchief.

"No, he just up and left. That ring has had too powerful an influence on his life."

"Umm, I don't get it."

"Neither do I. So, I'm going to do research."

Frodo sobs. "Wait! You've only been here for about 2 seconds, and now you're leaving? First Bilbo, and now you?"

"Yep."

Gandalfleaves for about 17 years and then returns to the Shire with news about the Ring. He sneaks up furtively behind Frodo, scaring him half to death and making him jump as high as a human head stands.

"Egad!" Frodo shouts. "Oh, Gandalf, it's you! You came back to me." He starts shedding tears of joy.

"Yea, yea," Gandalf yells. "You better not have told anyone about that ring…"

"Chill out. It's right here."

He presents it to Gandalf, who snatches it from him and throws it into the fireplace.

"Hey! You can't do that. It's all I have left of dearest Bilbo…"

"You chill out. I'm just trying to see something…" He removes the ring from the fire. After a few seconds, graffiti appears on its band. Gandalf slams it down on the table "Yep. This is the ADD ring, all right. Frodo, the ring's possessed. It's connected to a wizard Sauron, who has miraculously survived over 3,577 years. He knows it's here, he's looking for it, and they're probably coming after you. You see, the ring has ADD, and it is very anxious to switch bearers as frequently as possible when it gets the chance."

"None of this is very comforting," Frodo sobs, handing the Ring to Gandalf "Get this freakish thing out of my sight. I'm too young to bear this type of burden!"

"And I'm too old. _I_ don't want it. Now be a sport and quit bawling."

"What now?"

"Just get out of the Shire, and…" An earth-shattering clatter comes from outside "… get DOWN!" He pulls an eavesdropper out of the bushes near the house

"My best friend Sam!" Frodo exclaims. "Hey, what was the cacophony about?"

"Mr. Frodo, I'm so sorry. But you know I was trying to plant some flowers in that flower pot you just bought, and…"

"No! Not my 150₤ flowerpot with hearts on it! That was my favorite." He starts crying.

"Ah, I find all of this very interesting," Gandalf interjects. "Well, if it makes you feel better, Frodo, we could have him go with you on your trip out of the Shire as a way of paying you back."

**The Next Morning**

Gandalf is speaking to Frodo. "Right, so… I don't have any answers, so I'm going to someone who does. Keep the Ring secret and safe, and above all never put it on. Sam, stay with Frodo."

"Wait!" Frodo sobs. "ou're leaving again? Don't you care about me anymore?"

"Relax already. I'll meet you at the Prancing Pony." He prances away on his pony.

Isengard 

"Hail, most righteous, wise, and above all, most practical Saruman," Gandalf greets his **old** friend.

"Hey, Gandalf! Come, let's look in my Palantír," Saruman answers.

"No thanks. I have some questions about this ring…"

"Alas, the ADD ring. 'Tis unfortunate, I do admit. However, we must make the best of the situation that is given to us and join with Sauron, since he is too great a force to defeat, and it would only result in our demise to concoct against him."

"Haha. Funny joke, but I know you're smarter than that."

"I should say the same to you. After all, Sauron's already sent out the nine and everything."

"But in the end, the bad guys always lose. I'm not switching sides. It's not practical at all. You know, you _used_ to be wise and practical…"

Saruman gets very mad. "First you don't cooperate, and then you insult me. You will have to be done away with." He flings Gandalf to the top of Orthanc.

**A Corn Field**

Sam starts freaking out. "Mr. Frodo? Frodo, I lost you! MR. FRODO!"

"Right here, silly."

"Oh, good. I thought I'd lost you, and I have a phobia of being far away from home in a field of vegetables taller than me."

Frodo laughs. "Sam, it's Shire corn. Nothing bad is ever raised in the Shire."

The next instant, Merry bumps into Frodo and Pippin into Sam.

Sam says, "Famous last words."

"Hey, Pippin, it's Frodo Baggins!" Merry observes.

"Who?" Pippin asks with a blank stare.

"You should know. Your second cousin once removed on his mother's side!"

"Oh, _that_ Frodo Baggins?"

"No, the OTHER Frodo."

"There's another Frodo?"

"_No,_ stupid. Forget it. Just run."

"From what?"

Merry points at Farmer Maggot and his 3 dogs running after him "That…"

Merry and Pippin run off, stacking all of the vegetables they stole on top of Sam. He miraculously balances all of them, but can't see around them and runs into Frodo, sending all four tumbling down the side of a steep hill.

"See what I have been saying all my life?" Sam says. "Can't trust Brandybucks or Tooks."

"Not fair, when you were the one who pushed us off in the first place," Merry points out. Then he changes the subject, pointing to a group of mushrooms. "LOOK! Kingdom Fungi!"

As an argument ensues as to whether the 'shrooms are poisonous, Frodo stands aloof. He watches the trees take all sorts of freaky shapes.

"Lo, the forest doth portray an unnaturally eerie form. It would be wise if my companions giveth their consent to render ourselves less conspicuous. For 'tis a bad omen that doth manifest itself unto us; behold, 'tis not of their own devices that the trees do this," Frodo says.

"Fair Lord Frodo, I knewest not that thou didst write poetry," Merry says.

"Nay, fair sir, but I did read it in a book once."

"Umm…. English?" Pippin is clueless.

Sam looks up. "The trees are freaky. Let's hide!"

The Hobbits hide. A Ringwraith looks for them, but, due to a case of ADD passed down from the One Ring, gets tired of looking for them after about three minutes.

"We are about to embark on a dangerous journey full of terror and peril," Frodo announces.

"Sounds like that's right up our alley," Merry says.

"But you don't understand—"

"Understand? Nonsense, of course I do. It's all for all and one for one… well, I think I misquoted it, but the point is, we're coming with you!"

"Then, let's prance to the 'pony."

**At the Inn**

Frodo asks the man at the counter, "Hey, have you seen a wizard—"

Butterbur (man at counter) rudely cuts Frodo off. "Don't know."

"Well, he's about 10'2", he wears a pointy hat, gray beard, and you can't miss him—"

"Don't know! Sheesh, if you can't miss 'im, go look fer 'im yerself."

"Snotty Breefolk!" Sam exclaims. "Time to do this the unconventional way." He stands on the bar. "Gandalf? Are you here?"

"Just great, Sam. You've called more attention to us than I would have liked," Frodo says.

"Well, it worked, didn't it? We found out he wasn't here."

Frodo sobs. "He left me _again!_ I remember those good old times when we used to chat over cups of tea. Now all he does is abandon me! He doesn't care about me anymore. What's a poor Hobbit to do?"

"Try the new innovation, the PINT," Merry says.

"What's a pint?" Pippin asks.

"Jumbo sized!"

"Cool! I'm getting one."

"Speaking of drawing attention, what's up with that guy in the corner? Frodo, he can't take his eyes off you," Sam observes.

"How romantic sounding," Merry says under his breath.

Meanwhile, Pippin is talking to drunken men at the bar: "Hey, check out my family! There's Frodo Baggins. He's my second cousin twice removed on his mother's side…"

Frodo runs over yelling. "Pippin, you douche bag, I was supposed to be under the alias Underhill! You knew that!"

"No, it would have helped if you had TOLD me that little tidbit of information!"

"It doesn't matter! We're wanted men and here you are, leaking our stats all over town…" Frodo cuts himself off as he realizes that drunken men are staring at the wanted men. He murmurs something under his breath. "Time to get invisible." He slips the ring on. He sees freaky people and hears freaky whispers of _I see you._ And what's the point of being invisible if someone can still SEE you? He takes the ring off.

"So much for not drawing attention, huh?" A voice from behind Frodo says. The person hauls Frodo to his feet and drags him to a room. "I know all about you. Is that scary?"

"Well, I think everyone around knows all about me now, unfortunately."

The person, AKA Strider and a million other things, says: "I even know what hunts you. Frightened yet?"

"Yea..."

"And you haven't even seen the half of it yet. Brace yourself."

Sam, Pippin and Merry come to the "rescue." Strider bosses them around, telling them to get to bed and shut up. Turns out, he was trying to trick the Ringwraiths. Thus, the Hobbits escape once more. Which the heroes always do.

**In the Morning  
**  
"So, I guess he's a good guy," Frodo says.

"Oh, yea?" Sam asks cynically.

"Hey, he saved our hides."

"I'm leading you into the wild," Strider says. "After that, we go to Rivendell, where my sweetheart lives. She'll know what to do. I won't let you stop till nightfall, so don't even think about trying to pull anything on me."

"See, I don't like the sound of this. I have a phobia of long journeys with no stops," Sam says.

"But, Strider, sir, I have to go to the bathroom," Merry says.

"And you're forgetting about second breakfast, third breakfast, elevenzies, luncheon, second luncheon, afternoon feast number three, afternoon tea and jam on a biscuit, dinner, second dinner, supper, and ninezies!" exclaims Pippin the food lover.

_How do they eat all of that and not get fat?_ Strider thinks.

"I miss Gandalf..." Frodo says.

"I'm thirsty..." Sam whines.

"I'm in the mood for an apple," Pippin says.

"Alas, woe is me," Frodo exclaims dramatically. "Even Bilbo deserted me. I need to sit and rest, for I grow weary with sorrow."

"What did I say? No stops!" Strider shouts.

"But I'm tired," Pippin gripes.

"I didn't even have the foresight to bring a picture of dearest Bilbo to remind me..."

"I want—" Sam starts.

Strider is fed up. He shouts, "_I _want all of you to shut UP, and stop your incessant complaining, or I turn this giddy, lively fellowship around _right now_ and send you all back to where you came from."

"You promise?" Sam asks.

"No. Shut up and move."

**Weathertop at Night**

"There's no way I can take spending another night with any one of you, much less all of you at once, so I'm leaving," Strider announces. "Oh yea, whatever you do, DON'T draw attention to yourselves the way you did at the inn." He glares at Frodo.

Later on, Frodo wakes in horror to see Sam, Merry, and Pippin crowded around a campfire, singing very off-key, and eating some unknown delicacies.

"My second cousin once removed! Come on and join the party, you don't know what you're missing! The salted pork—" Pippin starts.

Frodo yells at the top of his lungs. "You douche bags! Strider said not to draw attention, and here you are making campfires..."

A shrill shriek in the background cuts him off.

"And yelling louder than the noise we were making to begin with is the solution? Just great, Mr. Frodo," Sam says.

The Ringwraiths come up to the spot where the Hobbits are. The Hobbits do their best to conceal themselves.

"Oh, yea?" Frodo says. "Well, if this is going to be a game of hide-and-seek, this is one Hobbit who is NOT going to be found." He puts the ring on but gets stabbed anyway. He lets out feral cries of pain.

"Mr. Frodo!"

"AAHHH…."

Strider throws torches at the Wraiths and vanquishes the whole lot. "Yea! Who's on fire? Strider to the rescue, once again."

"AAAAAHHHH…."

"Just great. An ADD blade got Frodo. We'll have to move if we don't want him turning screwed up like the rest."

Merry looks at Frodo. "He seems to have contracted an illness, the likes of which I have never before seen—"

Which I have just clarified, thank you very much, Einstein," Strider says. "Let's move. I'm taking him to my Sweetheart. She'll know what to do."

Right on cue, enter Arwen. She is tall, possesses a catlike grace, and is obviously very proud of it, as she is obsessed with her refinedness. She becomes surrounded by a celestial, blinding white light.

"Frodooo. I will now commence to whisper comforting words in an Elvish tongue which you won't understand anyway, but they will have a Rasputen-like effect on your body."

Frodo gapes and stares.

"No way. Don't stare at her like that, she's taken," Strider says.

"I'm taking him to my Daddy. He'll know what to do."

"Be careful, baby. I don't want those nasty 'guls' touching you."

"Do you know what this chick is made of?" Arwen says with a suggestive wink.

"I certainly would like to..."

Arwen trots off. Wraiths chase her, but when she reaches the other side of the river, she whispers a spell in that death-like whisper of hers and she vanquishes the whole lot. "Alrighty, then."

**House of Elrond**

Frodo wakes up to see Gandalf by his bedside.

"Gandalf! You're back again! Why'd you leave me in the first place?"

"Now, will you quit taking everything so personally? Had it occurred to you that I was held up by circumstances beyond my control? Honest to Mordor, didn't Bilbo ever teach you any better? Oh, speaking of Bilbo… he's here."

"HE'S HERE!"

"That's what I said. If I liked to hear my own echo, I would buy a parrot."

Frodo is already out the door midway through Gandalf's sentence.

"Mr. Frodo! You're alive!"

"Yea, yea. BILBO! Wow, you look… old."

"Thanks, I think," Bilbo answers. Hey, check out my book."

" 'The Hobbit.' It's lovely. Most original title I ever heard. Why'd you leave me?"

"Ack, I'm sorry about that. I'll make it up to you. Here, take this Dwarvish mail It's made out of _mithril_. That's worth more than the whole Shire times two. Let me see you put it on."

"I don't know…" Frodo protests.

"Do you mind if I see if it fits? These Dwarves have a thirty-day return policy."

Reluctantly, Frodo undoes the first three buttons of his shirt, revealing the ring that he stupidly has hung around his neck.

"Hey, it's my old Preciouss! Let me hold it."

"Wow, Bilbo, you're demanding all of a sudden."

Bilbo looks like he's just been electrocuted. "GIVE IT UP."

Frodo backs away. "Egad!"

"Sorry about that. Look, I'll trade you Sting for the Preciouss."

"No. Who's Sting, anyway?"

"My sword!"

"Isn't that odd? Naming your swords?"

Bilbo hands Sting to Frodo. "Not really. It's the new trend. Now give up the ring."

"No!"

Bilbo returns to his normal self and bawls. "I'm sorry about freaking you out. Sorry I left you. Sorry for everything!"

"I'm sorry too."

**Balcony of Elrond's Study**

"I have plans for that hobbit," Elrond says to Gandalf.

"Plans? Bilbo can barely walk anymore."

"No, you douche bag, I meant the other one… Frodo, that's him."

"Oh. Well he's not emotionally apt enough to take a journey like this, let's just put it that way."

"Don't make excuses. I suppose you have some bright ideas? I mean, come on. Alternatives?"

"Men."

"No. Men are weak. I say this because Isildur had a chance to destroy evil and didn't take it. Because of this one instance, I will make the judgment that the strength of men has failed forever."

"I remember that little incident. Maybe it's somebody ELSE'S fault for not seizing the opportunity to take the ring from him and destroy it." He stares Elrond down and Elrond blushes from embarrassment. Gandalf continues. "Anyway, there's one man I know we can trust."

"No. Let him stay a ranger. I have a hesitation to trust my daughter's fiancé… or any man she dates, for that matter."

"Come on, she's 3,000 years old already. Can't she even date yet?"

"Um, no."

Elsewhere, Boromir is wandering around talking to himself: "I will stare with contempt upon those paintings of Gondor's kings, for I am but a steward's son. I will walk up to this dais with sword fragments on it. I will 'ooh' and 'ahh' because this is the very blade that severed Sauron's finger! I will act like an idiot and actually touch the sword's blade and _scream in pain_ when it actually cuts my finger! OWW!" He drops the sword and goes off crying like a little girl.

"I will be more respectful to my ancestor's possessions than this bum of a steward's son. I will reverently put the sword back where it belongs and place a hand to my heart in a moment of silence," Aragorn says.

Arwen sneaks up behind Aragorn and scares him out of his wits. "Hey, baby. This is A Ranger Caught Off His Guard Take Two. Let's go find a more romantic spot to smooch."

They do so and spend who knows how long smooching. Finally, Aragorn tells Arwen that he has a Council to attend.

Well, what do you think? Let me know! I like it, but I think the most hilarious parts are _Council of Elrond_ and after.


	2. Fellowship, Part 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Lord of the Rings books or movies, or any recognizable characters or events therein.

**Author's Note: **I know that last chapter wasn't that funny. And even though there are thousands of parodies on this site, this one from this point forward really IS hilarious. I promise. So give it a shot and review, if you'd like.

**Council of Elrond**

Elrond and other VIPs are sitting around in a circle, staring at the pretty ring on a dais.

"So, VIPs, what shall we do with this circular device that is as golden as the rising sun's rays and has been declared the bane of the world?" Elrond demands.

"Give it to me! I mean, Gondor," Boromir says.

"I know I'm older than I look, but does it _look_ like I was born yesterday?" Elrond asks.

"We destroy it!" says Aragorn.

"We put a spell on it!" says Gandalf.

"We take turns wearing it!" Frodo says.

"We make a tool out of it!" Gimli says.

"We eat it with a side of cabbage!" Of course, Pippin.

"We cast it into the Brandywine!" says Merry.

Legolas shouts above the others, and everyone stares at him strangely. "We look at it! It's pretty! A legend of the Wood-Elves says that once, tens of thousands of years ago, there was a ring like this, brighter than all the hosts of stars—"

"Enough! I am sorry that I asked," Elrond shouts.

Legolas pouts.

"Well, I don't have 5 hours. I'm a busy elf. OK, so I'll _tell_ you what you're going to do with it. Destroy it."

Gimli picks up his axe. "That's easy."

"Good. I'm glad you find it easy to traverse hundreds of miles of wilderness, dark mines, swamping stinking marshlands as far as the eye can see, and perilous labyrinths of razor-sharp rocks. Because you're going to have to throw it in Mt. Doom yourselves."

Everyone hesitates.

"Good luck to you," Elrond continues. "Piece of cake, right? Farewell. I am an elf far too busy to become preoccupied with saving Middle Earth." He leaves.

Gandalf takes over. "So, who gets to toss this thing into the swirling sea of bright orange and yellow fire in Mt. Doom? I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. Ringbearer?"

All eyes turn to Frodo.

"Don't look at me!"

"Too late."

"But… I don't know how to get there."

"Fine! I'll go with you to the borders of Mordor and that's it."

"Oh, yea?" Aragorn says. "I'll even go _through_ Mordor with you."

"Can I come?" Legolas asks. "I could tell my 51,000 Elvish legends during Storytime."

"I can come to show off how much better Dwarves are than Elves at killing contests. May the best Dwarf win!" says Gimli.

"I want that Ring! I mean, I want to do Gondor proud," Boromir says.

"Because I'm not good enough?" Aragorn retorts.

"Right!"

"I want to go to Mordor!" Sam shouts.

"Me too! I could start a hunt for wild mushrooms and good pints!" Merry adds.

"And I like following Merry around," Pippin says.

"OK, that's it! Nine has always been my lucky number. Being that there are nine wraiths and all," Gandalf announces.

Awkward pause.

"OK! On to where no Man, Dwarf, Elf, Hobbit, or Wizard has ever gone before!" Gandalf continues.

**The Trek Begins**

"Well, we're on a trek that will last Valar knows how long. We'll get to Mordor somehow… How does that sound?" Gandalf asks. The rest of the fellowship doesn't answer because they are busy either staring into the distance or watching Boromir, Pippin, and Merry sword-fight. "Don't everyone answer at once."

"No. No good," Gimli answers. "Let's visit my cousin Balin in the incredibly scary mines of Moria."

"Nah. I'm terrified of what your incompetent relatives awoke in the dark."

"Well, you asked. Whatever, chicken. You're probably just scared of the dark."

The fellowship continues for miles and miles. Gandalf stops to check a map about every two minutes. Aragorn shouts that they're headed the wrong way. Legolas bores everybody with his 51,000 Elven legends, folklore, etc. Gimli whines about being lost and not getting to go to Moria. Pippin asks where they are going about every five minutes.

"This time I've really got it," Gandalf says after a while. "It should be 7 miles north-northwest of here."

A random dude rides by on a horse.

"I'm fed up," Aragorn says. "Some people are just too haughty to ask for directions. Hey, you, what's the easiest way to Mordor?"

Random dude answers, "Try up that incredibly steep and avalanche-prone mountain."

"Sounds good to me." He turns to Gandalf. "See what a nice gentleman can tell you?

"I am not exceedingly fond of the idea of hiking a snowy mountain," Boromir gripes.

"Okay, let's all stop and listen to Boromir's much better plan."

Everyone stops and listens to Boromir's not-much-better plan.

"We will take the pass of Rohan. It's lower in elevation and safer."

"Oh, sure, a whole lot safer being that we would be passing right by that idiot Saruman," Gandalf retorts.

"OR! We could go by my dearest and wisest daddy in the best land on Middle-Earth."

"No way."

"Too bad," Gimli says. "Only other alternative is Moria."

Gandalf gets mad. "Look, I lead this fellowship, and what I say goes. Over the mountain, and then through the woods it is."

Gimli pouts.

**On the Mountain**

After getting bathed in snow, the fellowship members poke their heads out of the ground.

"All accounted for?" Aragorn asks.

"All except Boromir," Gandalf answers.

"Who cares about that sorry excuse for one of my fellow countrymen? He's the epitome of the reason why I fled to the north to become a ranger. Why we let him come on this trek in the first place beats me."

Boromir digs himself out. "I heard that, and I will see to it that it will cost you the crown if it's the last thing I do."

"Children. Stop the contentions," Gandalf orders.

Frodo whines. "We are going to turn black as ashes and die of frostbite if we stay up here much longer!"

"Ha-ha, I win. This is no good and now we will be forced to go under the mountain!" Gimliruns off before anyone can stop him. Gandalf runs to try and catch up with him, but by the time he does, they are all at the base of the mountain anyway.

"I win!" Gimli says again.

"Rub it in," Gandalf groans.

**Under the Mountain**

The fellowship comes to a set of doors. Gandalf reads an inscription.

"_Password, please_. That is the lamest thing I ever heard of. Gimli, what's the password?"

"What password?"

"What, you don't know your own kinfolk's password? We're screwed!"

"What do you suggest we do?" Aragorn asks.

"Sit and mope. Here we are in this dark abyss of a cave, without a ray of light or a ray of hope shining upon us. Alas—"

"Oh, for crying out loud. _Sit and mope,_ he says" Aragorn gets a package from Bill the pony. "Stand back, everyone!"

"What is it?" Pippin asks.

"Dynamite." Aragorn aims it at the door. It blows open a hole about two feet tall. The Hobbits get through without a problem.

"That's perfectly convenient for them," remarks Gandalf, "but what about eight feet tall wizards at a selective disadvantage?"

Two hours later, Gandalf and the rest are done crawling through the incredibly small hole.

"Thanks, Aragorn," Gandalf says sarcastically. "That worked out perfectly."

"It _did._ It got us through, didn't it, Mr. Sit-and-Mope? You ingrate."

"Just for that, I will make all of us wait for two more hours under the pretense that I have suffered major memory loss and do not know the way."

"Perfect. Why don't you just die so I can take over control of the fellowship?"

"You wanna know something…!"

"Children, stop the contentions," Merry demands.

"Children? I'm 30,156 years old! I am not a child," Gandalf protests.

"You're acting like one," Aragorn retorts.

Gandalf needs a scapegoat. "So is Frodo over there."

Frodo is doing some lamenting of his own. He is speaking under his breath about how his life stinks, how he wishes to be rid of the ring, and how Gollum is stalking them and scaring the daylights out of him. He then murmurs something about getting an idea, and seems to brighten up. He approaches Gandalf.

"Gandalf, I am entrusting to you two responsibilities of a great magnitude."

"Don't even try it."

"Well, how can you refuse when you don't even know what it is yet?"

"I know what you were going to ask because of my extra sensory perception."

"Prove it."

"You were going to offer me the ring again because poor-little-you is sick of dealing with it. My response: grin and bear it. I'm sick of hearing you gripe!"

"Fine, but can we please all gang up on Gollum? I want him dead."

"No. Leave me alone," Gandalf demands. "He still has an exceedingly evil role to play in this game. We don't want it to be too easy on the heroes; there's gotta be some _drama!_ Come on, Fellowship. Let's go meet our enemies in the dark."

The whole Fellowship answers. "Sounds good!"

Frodo gripes, "I want my mommy. Wait, I mean Bilbo."

Gandalf snickers at tombs of dwarves. "Nice artwork."

"Don't make fun of my dead relatives," Gimli whines.

Boromir puts a hand on Gimli's shoulder.

"Don't touch me you slime." Gimli starts bawling. "Treachery! I wish we had never come here."

"Some people you just can't please," Gandalf says. "Hey, dead dude, can you tell me where the Balrog might be? What's that you got there, a book?… _Lord of the Rings_. That's interesting! It's out before we have finished writing it. I'll bet it's a breakthrough in marketing technology. Let's see, half this book is blank. Where's now?"

Aragorn points. "Right here."

"But where's then?"

"We missed it."

"When?"

"Just now!"

"I'm confused. This book is of no help. I can't even see the future or the past. Just now."

Sounds can be heard in the distance.

"Orcs!" Pretty elf-boy observes.

"I shall fight with vengeance! Down with Orcs!" Gimli exclaims.

Big fight! Legolas shoots computer-generated arrows, and hobbits for once use their size to their advantage so they can hide everywhere. Frodo in particular wants to play hide-and-seek using the ring. It doesn't work, and a cave troll stabs him.

"I have this mithril mail that dearest Bilbo gave me, which is protecting me from certain death. I will fake my death for suspense and to keep that dumb ugly beast from pestering me."

After the fight is over, fellowship crowds around Frodo.

"He's… dead," Sam mourns.

Frodo pops back up like a pop-tart! "Ha-ha! You thought you'd be rid of me that easily. The Frodo strikes back!"

"Well, you should be dead," says Aragorn.

"I take that personally."

"That's great. Quit dilly-dallying, we've got a 4 o' clock appointment with a _Balrog_!" Gandalf says.

The fellowship whoops and hollers. Frodo pouts. Along the way, Orcs surround the fellowship and disperse about two seconds later.

"The Balrog…" Gandalf observes. 5 minutes after everyone else has already split, he yells, "RUN!"

The fellowship jumps off rocks that are crumbling off a bridge. Gimli almost tumbles into the abyss, but Legolas grabs his beard.

"Never grab the beard again. It is my only facial adornment left!"

"It's the dumb beard, or your life, pal." Legolas rolls his eyes.

"Elves are idiots."

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Gandalf shouts.

"We're already ahead of you, smart-alleck," Aragorn says.

"Not you, Mr. Know-It-All, the Balrog."

"Oh, yes I can pass," the Balrog answers.

"No, you can't."

"Okay…" The Balrog vanishes into the abyss, BUT…! "But I can grab your leg and take you down with me! Whoo hoo!"

Gandalf holds on to a piece of stone on the very edge. "Okay, Aragorn, you're getting your wish. Happy? Boromir, you're a sorry excuse for a steward's son and even the ranger is going to make a better king than you would. Actually, all of you get on my nerves! I am an OLD man, and I am through with all of this nonsense!" He lets go of the edge.

Frodo shouts, "NOOO! He left me again, this time for good! Nobody loves me!"

"Get over it," Aragorn commands. "We can sob at Lothlórien, but first, we kind of have to get there."

"I think he took your comment of _Why don't you just die so I can take over control of the fellowship_, a little too seriously," Legolas says.

"Yea, well, that's his problem. I didn't ask him to go fling himself off an edge of a rocky bridge over it."

**Woods of Lothlórien**

"No one can get me!" Gimli shouts. "I am so keen that I can hear a soft whisper spoken in Isengard from Moria. And I can see so clearly, even on a foggy day, that I could spot a bird in the sky from five miles afar."

"He's bluffing," Frodo whispers to Sam.

"Oh yea! You think so? I can prove it." Gimli turns around to see an arrow about two inches from his face "Hey, hotshot elf, point that thing someplace else."

"Don't talk to them like that. They are going to let us rest here and sit and mope about Gandalf's death," Aragorn says.

"Told you he was bluffing," Frodo whispers to Sam.

The Fellowship then climbs a staircase so long that it takes five hours to climb. Half the Fellowship wonders where the elevator is. When they reach the top, the fellowship gapes at Galadriel, who is surrounded by celestial white light and speaks with a freaky whisper.

"Now, these woods are mine, and nobody disobeys my rules," Galadriel says. "Rule number one, no dwarves insulting my kinfolk. Rule number two, no stalking…." Two hours later, she's still going. "And rule number eighty-eight, NO evil rings!"

Frodo gulps.

That night, the fellowship rests. Frodo comes up with an evil plan when he sees Galadriel walking by. He follows her.

"FOOL!" Galadriel shouts. "Did you think that I could not see that you were stalking me?"

"I wasn't stalking you," says Frodo.

"Then what were you doing?"

He holds out the Ring. "I have a proposal to make—"

"FOOL! I am an elf too high and mighty to marry a hobbit, and I am already taken."

"No, you douche bag, not that kind of proposal. This is a ring of power that I've been trying to get rid of for ages. I'm too young for this burden. You take it so that I can go back and live a meaningless but happy life in the Shire."

Galadriel looks like she's been electrocuted by 10,000 amps. "Now, you're talking. With this ring of power I could rule the world! MY Precioussss! I could have 88 hundred rules instead of just 88!" She calms down. "Whoops, one glitch. The case of ADD. I couldn't rule forever." She gets mad and chases Frodo back to wherever he was sleeping.

In the morning, Galadriel chases all of them out. "These are _my_ woods, and I do whatever I want. Here, Frodo, take this case of liquid that I will bluff about being the light of a precious star. Its light will help counter the dark burden that envelops your soul because of the ADD ring."

The Fellowship sails along Anduin.

"Stupid Galadriel," Aragorn gripes. "She's got yachts and cruise ships and she gives us these cheap canoes."

"Shut up and look at the pretty statues," Boromir returns.

"You shut up. Nobody likes you. Oh, look, here is a random spot to camp."

**A Random Spot to Camp**

"Whoa. Boromir and Frodo have been gone for, like, five hours already," Legolas observes.

Aragorn rolls on floor laughing. "That sorry excuse for one of my fellow countrymen. I'll never let him live this down!" He goes off to find the two.

_Elsewhere, _Boromir_ is shouting at _Frodo_ at the top of his lungs_.

"Give me the ring!"

"No! You corrupted, sick old man. Go away, you scare me."

"Don't you be dissing Gondor. I take all comments against Gondor very personally because I live and breathe for my country. Long live Gondor's empire!"

"Catch me if you can!" Frodo disappears.

Boromir screams and cries like a little girl and bites his nails. "I want my daddy!"

Suddenly, Orcs come down the mountainside and see Pippin and Merry, who pick that moment to start running towards Boromir.

"Look! Souvenirs!" The Orcs shout.

"Oh, no, you don't! Gondorians never die without a fight. Down with Orcs!"

All Orcs simultaneously aim for Boromir, and in less than a minute, he is pierced with 62 arrows.

"Famous **last** words!" The head Orc shouts. The rest carry off their life-sized Halfling souvenirs.

Near the Shore 

Frodo is murmuring to himself about how sick he is of everyone trying to take his ring. He decides to sneak off with one of Galadriel's canoes and go to Mordor himself. Sam comes up just as he's rowing away.

"Mr. Frodo! Not so fast!"

"Ah, crud."

"How dare you leave without me? I want to see what Mordor looks like, too!"

"Well, I'm sick and tired of everyone trying to take IT. MY preciousss!"

Sam charges after the canoe.

"You'll drown. You can't swim."

"Says who!" Sam catches the side of the canoe and tumbles in. "You'll never all that my old Gaffer taught me!"

"Fine, you can come, since I can't get rid of you. But I don't have to see any of the others again."

"Oh, you don't know that, Mr. Frodo."

"Shut up, Sam."

**Boromir's Death**

"My Elven intuition tells me that Boromir is in trouble," Legolas says.

"Who cares about that sorry excuse for one of my fellow countrymen?" Aragorn says.

"Nobody, but it's all for all and one for one… I think I misquoted it, but that's not the point."

"FINE, you blonde-haired Mr. goody-two-shoes. We'll be real heroes and go rescue someone who deserves death anyway."

They rush over to find Boromir pierced with 62 arrows.

"Yes! He's dead," cries Aragorn.

"Not yet. Come hear my pathetic dying words," Boromir says.

"I'd much rather throw you over the edge of the waterfall."

"After my special speech!"

Aragorn rolls his eyes and walks over to where Boromir is lying on the ground.

"Due to my pathetic fighting skills, Merry and Pippin have been abducted by Orcs. Second of all, I won't rest in peace unless I have my dagger."

Aragorn picks up the dagger and pushes it through Boromir's midsection. "Rest in peace."

"Not till I finish! Solely for Gondor's sake, I would have followed you to the end, my captain, my brother, my kinfolk…" Three and a half hours later, he's still going. "…my relative, my King—"

"Enough already," Aragorn shouts for the eleventy-first time.

"Okay," Boromir says, and dies.

"Hallelujah! Let's throw this sorry excuse for one of my fellow countrymen over the side of the waterfall."

"Good. Now we have to rescue Frodo and Sam, and then Merry and Pippin," Blonde-haired Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes says.

"And next all of Middle Earth, right? Sheesh, calm down a little. Frodo doesn't want us around anyway. That's why he left, smartie. Fine. Let's go after Merry and Pippin, and prove how much better we are than that sorry excuse for one of my fellow countrymen!" Aragorn resolves.

"Sounds good! What are we waiting for?" Gimli shouts.

**The End**

…Though, it really isn't much of an end, is it?


	3. The Two Towers All

**Disclaimer**: I DO own the Lord of the Rings books AND movies... only copies of them, not the rights to them. So don't sue. I also don't own Star Wars, even though there are a lot of (mostly subtle) allusions to it.

**A/N**: I am updating this, though I haven't in a while, for the sake of the few that did. Don't like, don't read. But do review no matter what, without flaming.

I won't make any claims that this is hilarious. I personally thought the FotR chapters were funnier... but this is a lot shorter. Hope everyone enjoys!

* * *

**_Lord of the Parodies: The Two Towers_**

Our two favorite hobbits are seen sleeping amongst many rocks on a hillside. All of a sudden, one of them wakes up.

"I'm having nightmares about Gandalf!" Frodo whines.

Sam wakes up. "Mr. Frodo? Is everything OK?"

"Now, what gave you that impression? Dear, no one understands me."

"Would you like some Elvish bread?"

"No. I would like to sit and pout and fast from sorrow. Why _me_, Sam? Why do _I _have to go to Mordor, of all places? It's not where I would choose for my next vacation spot. I want my nice Hobbit hole in Crickhollow!"

"Well, the sooner we get a move on, the sooner we can be done. And when we're done… it'll be over."

"Now, Sam, THAT'S an eye-opener and no mistake!"

"Come on, Mr. Frodo."

They walk for miles. Suddenly, Sam stops. "I swear that's the 54th time we've passed that blade of grass! Mr. Frodo, where are you leading us?"

"Back home to the Shire! Layers of grief envelop my soul. My brain is wearied and weighted down by uncounted burdens, for all is vanity! I feel an inexplicable angst all about me, as if something vile follows me wherever I go. My worries shall never be quenched. I am going on this miserable journey just to die for it in the end! VANITY! DO YOU HEAR ME, SAM?!"

"I hear you, Mr. Frodo… so does someone else!" He points to the top of the hill where Gollum is 'lurking' none too discreetly.

"Gollum! Beware the wrath of Sting!" Frodo shouts.

"Away put your weapon, precious! Means you no harm, we do. We swears on the Precious that we do not want the Precious. How could Master think so? The Precious is precious, but Master is more precious. Protect the precious carrier of the Precious, we will!"

Frodo marvels. "Wow, someone who appreciates me! We're going to Mordor, wanna come along?"

"Sounds like fun, it does. Wants to go, we do. Knows the way, we do."

"Frodo, you're taking this nasty, schizophrenic, backwards-talking… thing along with you and ditching me?" Sam asks.

"Ditch you? Nonsense, three is company!"

"Called us nasty, that Hobbit did! Pay for it, he will. At least fat, we are not."

"I heard that, " Sam retorts.

Frodo groans. "Shut up, both of you. Lead on, Gollum."

**Emyn Muil**

"Merry! Isn't this a fun piggyback?" A clueless Pippin asks.

"You'll be singing a different tune when the piggyback leads to Isengard," Merry says.

"But… I'm not singing! But I can if you want me to. I sing well."

"No, Pip, that's not what I meant. Just forget it."

"I smell manflesh!" A random Orc shouts.

"But we're Hobbits…" Pippin starts.

"You are denser than gold, Pip. It's Aragorn and company!" Merry thinks of a plan. "Pippin, how about eating that leaf brooch on your cloak?"

"Ok!" Pippin puts it in his mouth. "Ew! Not often do I turn down food, but this is nasty!" He spits it onto the ground.

"That's the token! Score a point for me," Merry gloats.

Aragorn inspects the hills some time later. "Look, here is a token! It is a Lórien brooch. They must be close. Let me practice my ground-whispering skills." He bends down to the ground and listens. Gimli and Legolas stand by awkwardly. "The ground just told me that they are not far, but they're heading for Isengard. Let's run!"

"Not the hardiest dwarf in Middle-Earth could go on through such rough land!" Gimli whines.

"But an Elf and a Ranger can. So, keep up, Hardy," Legolas says.

He and Aragorn start running and Gimli tries awkwardly to keep up with them.

**Isengard**

Saruman is gloating to himself. "Nobody is powerful enough to stop me! Let alone Sauron and me. I shall make Middle Earth suffer under my rule when I get that ring. MY Preciouss!" To his army of Orcs: "Let's pick on Rohan first. They're close and an easy target."

Wild Orcs attack Rohan.

Éomer shouts at the top of his lungs, in the King's hall. "This is all Saruman's fault! And that loser Gríma's. If I saw him right now I would—" Enter Gríma, right on cue. "Wring his neck!"

"Oh, no you don't. Nobody spoils my plans. I can banish you," Gríma says.

Two men come up from behind and drag Éomer out.

"You think you're all that, Gríma, but you're just a puppet," Éomer says.

"Nonsense! I'm a real boy… er, man."

"I think your nose just grew an inch."

**Eaves of Fangorn**

"How about having some meat?" asks a random orc.

"Sounds good!" The lead Orc cuts random Orc's head off. "Eat hardy!"

"That's just an appetizer. There are Rohirrim coming!" observes another random Orc.

The others whoop and holler and start to do battle.

"That's our cue to leave, Pip," says Merry.

"But, alas! Where to go?"

"Try right there in that forest. They'll never see us. It'll be like the Old Forest back by my home."

"No way am I repeating that experience from the Old Forest. I got stuck in a tree! Literally. It ate me! I like to eat, not to be eaten."

"Yea, well, I think the Orcs are planning to have us for dessert anyway."

"On second thought…"

They both run into the forest. Suddenly, an Ent picks them up. They both scream like little girls with monsters in their closets.

"Little Orcs! Behold the revenge of Treebeard. Too long have you gnawed, bitten, broken, hacked, cracked, burned, felled, ruined and destroyed my forest!"

"But this is our first visit. And we're not Orcs," Merry protests.

Treebeard grunts. "My mistake. First-time visitors get to sign the guest book and take a tour of the Forest with our special guest tour guide." He drops the Hobbits on the ground where they come face-to-face with the White Wizard. They both gasp. Then the scene cuts for suspense for ignorant people who don't know it's really Gandalf.

**Plains of Rohan**

Legolas the poetry boy starts. "Behold! The dawn portrayeth shades of crimson and scarlet. 'Tis the color of blood, yea, even blood that spills from the heart. And a pile of carcasses lies yonder. It is as if the morning honors many who have died by painting the sky the color of their blood—"

"Ok, enough, Edgar Allen Poe," Aragorn says. "Look, Rohirrim. Maybe they can tell us what happened." Then he shouts. "Rohirrim! Can you tell us what happened?"

Éomer approaches. "We killed everybody."

"What about the Hobbits?"

"What Hobbits? What's a Hobbit?"

"They were our friends."

"Oops. I'll give you horses to compensate."

"Ok, then. Come on, guys, maybe they escaped. Let's keep looking."

"After I say my Elvish blessing!" Legolas says. He mutters something in some Elvish language that no one understands.

**Dead Marshes**

"A swamp this is," Gollum intelligently observes. "Slimy mudhole. Follow the lights, do not."

Frodo doesn't pay attention. "Hey, look, it's a dead guy! He's checking me out. Hi, buddy." _He jumps in to join his new 'friend'_.

"I want the ring!" Says Dead Guy. "I could be resurrected and powerful. MY Preciouss!"

"No, it's mine. I thought you were my friend?"

Gollum pulls frodo out. "Have the Precious, he cannot! Ours it is. And what tell you did we? "Follow the lights, do not." Why bother do we?"

**At Night**

Gollum is shouting at the top of his lungs. "Wants it, we does. Sleep, we cannot, when we don't haves it. Stoled it from us, Old Hobbit did. _What has it got in its pocketses?_ OUR Preciouss."

Frodo wakes up. "Do NOT call Bilbo old! He's only 128! And do NOT call him it! And you can't have the ring. It's mine."

"Go to sleep, you must."

"Why don't you take your own advice, Sméagol? You're being a nuisance."

"Called us "Sméagol," it did!" He faints from surprise.

A scream is heard.

"Look, Mr. Frodo. Up in the sky. The Black Riders… they upgraded to Black _Flyers._"

"I thought they were dead."

"Nothing's that easy on the heroes, Mr. Frodo. There's gotta be some drama. Haven't you learned that by now?"

"Gandalf told me that. I miss Gandalf. I miss Bilbo. I miss my Hobbit hole. I miss my old life."

**Fangorn**

Legolas whines. "This forest gives me the creeps."

"Ha-ha! An elf of Mirkwood is afraid of a forest. They'll be telling this story for centuries, like in one of your 51,000 Elvish legends," Aragorn laughs.

"Well, you'd be afraid too if you knew any better. I miss Mirkwood. I'd take long walks and talk with my favorite trees and give them names."

"Oh, and you laughed at my conversation with the ground."

"Both of you shut up! Someone's coming," Gimli says.

"It's Saruman! Let me try an Elvish spell."

Then Gandalf appears. "Ha-ha! Fooled you, didn't I? You thought you'd be rid of me that easily."

"But you fell a long way," Aragorn observes.

"Someone's observant. Then I fought the Balrog, I died, and then I was resurrected. And bleached! I upgraded to White. So, Aragorn, do you respect me more now? Good. Come on, let's go fight a war in Rohan. Merry and Pippin have taken a taxi in the form of a Treebeard to the Shire."

"What are we waiting for?" Says Gimli.

"Let's go!" Says Legolas.

"But _I _wanted to be the leader!" says Aragorn.

"Too bad. Check out the horse I stole. Now I get to show it off in front of the people I stole it from."

**Black Gate**

"Look. A large, black gate it is," Gollum says.

"Duh," Sam retorts.

"Your tour guide, I am. Have to announce every major landmark I do. To the left, Ash Mountains, they are. Ski slope directly in front, preciouss."

"I want to go skiing!" Sam slides down the rocky slope in front of him before anyone can stop him "Weee!"

A couple of Easterlings spot him. "After them! Don't let them get away!"

"Run, we all must," Gollum shouts.

They all run until they are out of sight.

"Great," gripes Frodo. "Now we have to go all the way back."

"Another way, there is."

"You mean, you took us the long way around in the first place?!" Sam shouts.

"Yes, preciouss."

"I am going to kill you!"

"Don't!" Frodo protests. "He's my special friend. Lead on, Sméagol."

**Meduseld**

"Uncle… your son is dead," Éowyn announces.

"Duhh… leave me in happy land," groans Théoden.

"You can't just sit there!"

"Not sitting. Trotting through a field as green as grass on Midsummer's Eve. Picking ripe apples and eating them. Have Shadowfax back. Riding Shadowfax…"

Gríma sneaks up behind Éowyn. "Heey, baby!"

"Why me?" Éowyn wonders.

Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, and Legolas approach Meduseld.

"Beware. King Théoden is like a zombie now. A mean zombie. Hi, Háma," Gandalf greets.

"Weapons down. The staff, too," Háma orders.

"Two choices. One, you let me keep it and nothing happens. Two, you try to take it from me. Then I'll have to club you with it and I'll get to keep it anyway."

"In that case…" He steps back "Enjoy your stay at Meduseld!"

"That's better. Hail, Théoden, King!"

"HORSE THIEF!" Théoden shouts. "After him, Gríma."

Gandalf waves his hand. "You don't want to hurt me."

"I don't want to hurt you," Gríma says dumbly.

"And I didn't steal your Horse."

"You didn't steal my Horse," says Théoden.

Gandalf whispers, "It was Saruman…"

"Saruman!!" Théoden comes out of his zombie state. "Down with horse thieves! Gríma, go make yourself useful. Tell Saruman that he and I will fight this out, 3 days from today, 7 o'clock sharp! Helm's Deep. His army versus my army."

Gandalf thinks: _Yay. Time for Shadowfax and me to split._

Háma shouts in the streets, "Newsflash of the day! Everybody, to Helm's Deep! The King wants every able-bodied man and boy to fight for our horses… and our people."

**Ithilien**

Sam tells Frodo rather loudly, "So, Mr. Frodo, I gave Gollum nicknames: one for each personality. Just listen to this; it's so funny. That ferocious, throttle-you-in-your-sleep side of him, that's Stinker. And that cunning, sucks-up-to-you side that crawls on all fours when he's guiding, that's Slinker. Ha-ha! Isn't that hilarious, Mr. Frodo?"

"It's great," Frodo says unenthusiastically.

"Come on, if I can't make fun of him, how am I supposed to have fun, Mr. Frodo?"

"You're _not_ supposed to have fun, Sam Gamgee! This is a journey of solely despair and grief that will lead through countless perils to our death."

"That's what I signed up for?"

**At Night**

"The precious! Get it we must!" Gollum says.

"No. Protect Master we must!" Sméagol protests.

"Precious!"

"Master!"

"Precious!"

"Master! Master! Go away, Gollum." He pushes himself (himselves?) against a tree trunk and sprawls on the floor.

**Morning**

Gollum approaches Frodo. "Look, found food, I did! Fresh bones, fresh with blood precious, only a few days old. Eat them! Juicy they are!"

"Well, dear old Bilbo always told me never to be afraid to try new delicacies…"

"Mr. Frodo, that's not delicate! That's just plain disgusting. It'll ruin your teeth, too. I wonder what other stinky concoctions old Stinker will bring back next…"

"Do NOT talk about my special friend like that!"

"But I _am_ your special friend, Mr. Frodo."

Suddenly, a distant voice is heard shouting. "I heard shouting! Over here!"

"Oh my Valar!" Frodo adds to the shouting. "We've been spotted. Run!"

He runs right into Faramir.

"I win! Who else were you shouting to?" Faramir asks.

Sam comes up from behind. "Mr. Frodo!… Oops."

"After them! And that other Stinker fellow, too," Faramir orders.

**Road to Helm's Deep**

"Hey… I was wondering… are you taken?" Éowyn asks Aragorn.

"Yea… sort of…"

_Flashback._

"Arwen is dying, even though she's an elf," says Elrond. "But she'd rather stay here with you even if you were not here than go and live in Valinor."

"So? What do you want me to do about it? It's not my fault she loves me so much," Aragorn retorts.

Elrond shakes Aragorn. "I knew I couldn't trust any man with my daughter! You'd rather let her die…?"

"Fine! I'll chase her away, even though I stand a good chance of making her Queen and happily-ever-after after the war." To Arwen: "Umm… your dad wants you to live and leave. So, I'm chasing you away."

"That's not nice."

"Blame it on him. Chasing me away didn't work, so he tried a new tactic…"

_End flashback._

"So, if you're only 'sort of' taken, does that make you 'sort of' available?" Éowyn persists.

"Umm…" He coughs "Whoa! Warg riders! Get the women and children out."

"Warg riders! That means Saruman cheated the challenge. Stupid horse thief!" Théoden gripes.

Fight! Extras die, Legolas shoots computer-generated arrows, Gimli uses his axe to bury himself under a pile of wolves, and Aragorn runs a Warg rider off a cliff and takes himself down with it.

"Aragorn!" Legolas shouts.

"Oops, too late. Let's split before more come," Gimli says.

"Elvish blessing first!" He whispers an Elvish blessing that no one understands

**Helm's Deep**

"Helm's Deep, everyone! Cheers!" Théoden shouts.

"Where's Mr. Available?" Asks Éowyn.

"Alas! No longer available," Gimli says.

"Oh, no…"

Théoden continues gloating. "There's no way Saruman can get to us in here! We'll win hands down, no problem. I shall never give up!"

**A River**

Aragorn floatswith the current, and suddenly bumps into a rock. "Hey! Well, I'm awake now."

"Oops…" Arwen says from afar.

"Look, a present that my sweetheart must have sent me." Aragorn gets on his horse and makes for Helm's Deep.

Meanwhile, Elrond talks to Arwen. "Arwen! Your ship is coming in."

"You think?" She thinks: _Don't answer that. I know you don't._

"Yes, I _do_ think. You have nothing here. Hope is feeble, and it will soon fade out of existence. Then you will spend the rest of your existence in grief and sorrow. How does that sound?"

"Fine, I'll go. Now will you stop nagging me?"

Then Galadriel talks telepathically to Elrond. "Théoden is an idiot and does not know what he's doing. Alas, as most mortals do not. Send Elves to Helm's Deep."

"But, that wasn't part of the plan!"

"Just… do it!"

**Ithilien**

"Any hope for Gondor?"

"Nope," says a Random Dude.

"That's what I was afraid of." To Frodo and Sam. "And who might you be?"

"Umm… no one?" tries Sam.

"Nice try. Hurry up. I don't have all day."

"I'm Frodo. That's Sam. I'm a ringbearer; he's a gardener."

"…_ring_-bearer? What kind of ring?"

"A, ahem, a wedding ring."

"Indeed. I find this very interesting."

"But, it was a present for my ninth cousin twice removed on my mother's side. You see… "

"I really don't care about the whole history of the thing. Are you listing said person as an official witness? If you are, I need the name and all contact information."

"Ok, it's Sméagol—"

Gollum pops out of nowhere. "Yess! Yess, precious! Wants to give us the Precious, Master does! Gives it to us!!"

"THE Precious?!" Faramir shouts. "Aha! Victory is mine! I can save Gondor. And then Daddy will be so proud. And then I can go ahead and save all Middle Earth while I'm at it. And then I'll be everybody's hero and I can rule the world! MY Preciousss!"

"Just great, Mr. Frodo. Why couldn't you have said it was Pippin?"

"He's my first and second cousin, not my ninth!"

"Ok, gang, first place to take over is Osgiliath!"

**Helm's Deep**

Aragorn comes in like he owns the place.

"Mr. Available!" Éowyn says.

"Actually, no, I uh… met up with my sweetheart on the way." He winks at Gimli.

"Yea, that's what I meant by _no longer available."_

"Oh. I'm… going to go see what Éomer is up to," Éowyn says.

"Aragorn!" Legolassays something in Elvish and smiles, thinking Aragorn doesn't understand.

"Don't tell me I look terrible, pretty boy! Hi, Théoden. Saruman's army is on its way. I'd say there are about 10,000."

"Ten thousand?! I can never beat that. Alas, woe is me."

Aragorn shrugs. "You asked for it."

**Fangorn**

"Entmoot time! Saruman's ticked us off way too long," Treebeard announces.

A big, hugely long gathering of all sorts of Ents ensues. Two days later, Pippin asks: "Are we there yet?"

"No rush! It's not next year yet."

Five days later…

"Well."

"Well what?" Merry asks

"You're not Orcs."

"We know. How about the war?"

"All in due time."

Seven days later…

"Well, we all agree that Saruman is bad… so I suppose we should all go crush him."

"Yes!" Merry says.

"Finally!" Pippin says.

**Helm's Deep**

"Just letting everyone know we'll never win this! There's no hope," Legolas says.

"Hey, pretty boy, less than a week ago you wanted to save all Middle Earth. Can't you at least fight one battle?" Aragorn asks.

"Who am I?" Théoden asks.

"You're King Théoden of Rohan, of the house of Eorl," Aragorn answers.

"Thanks. Senior moment."

"Elf horn!" shouts Legolas.

"Open the gates!" shouts a Random Dude.

"We're here," announces Haldir.

"No kidding. And not a moment too soon. We've got company!" Legolas says.

Orcs approach Helm's Deep. Battle in 30 seconds or less: Orcs shoot at Men and Elves, Men and Elves shoot back. Extras die, Legolas shoots computer-generated arrows, Aragorn strikes through back door, Orcs use ladders, Haldir meets his doom, and Gimli makes use of his axe. Théoden whines most of the time, except for when the tide turns in his favor. Orcs break through the gate, and women and children cry like wimps. Then Riders run over the causeway and vanquish that whole lot. Suddenly, Gandalf and Éomer and company show up. They vanquish the **whole** lot.

**Osgiliath**

"Osgiliath is on fire!" shouts a Random Dude.

"Not for long! We're bringing a gift to my Daddy," says Faramir.

"But it isn't Christmas yet."

"So, we're a little early. If we wait for Christmas, we'll be dead along with Gondor."

"Can I just… go?" asks Frodo.

"Nope."

A Nazgûl runs into a nearby tower, making himself very obvious.

"NAZGÛL!!" Faramir shouts observantly.

The Nazgûl points at Frodo. "You have what I want."

"No, It's mine!" shouts Faramir.

"No, It's ours!" shouts Gollum.

Faramir shoots the Nazgûl. "Take _that_!"

Another Nazgûl flies by.

"Ok, Ok, take it!" Frodo says.

"No, Mr. Frodo!"

"No! Get out of here. You two are wrecking Osgiliath," Faramir says.

"Woe is me! I am banished from all lands. I shall collapse on this ground in despair," whines Frodo.

"Don't despair, Mr. Frodo." Sam sings. "The sun will come out tomorrow…"

"Sam, I swear, if you sing that I won't move."

"Mr. Frodo, I swear I won't stop singing till you start moving."

"Fine!" He moves. "Come, Sméagol!"

**Isengard**

"Down with tree-killers! Come, Ents, Let's flood the place," shouts Treebeard.

The waters of the Isen flood Orthanc, and Ents pick up rocks and hurl them at the tower. Orcs flee or drown. Soon the place looks like Hurricane Katrina stopped by for a visit.

"Oops, I forgot about the Ents," Saruman says. Too late.

"Yay, I get promoted to Manager!" says Treebeard.

**Helm's Deep**

"Well, 10,000 Orcs down. About 50,000 more to go," Gandalf observes.

**Forsaken Woods Between Osgiliath and Mordor**

"Promised us the Precious, it did! Lied to us. Evil, nasty hobbitses," says Sméagol.

"Kill them!" says Gollum.

"No!"

"Yes! Take care of them, big fat spider Shelob will."

"Ruined the suspense, you did! Now in the next movie, no surprise there will be."

"Too bad, preciouss." To Hobbits: "Keep up, fat hobbitses! Taking you to an old friend of mine, I am."

* * *

**The End**

… Now, how could you say "The End" after that?


	4. Return of the King All

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the movies or scripts. I'm just doing my best to poke fun with love. I also don't own Forrest Gump, alluded to in the Steward's Hall scene. I don't own Mel Brooks-style weddings, and I don't own Yoda's speech.

**A/N:** Thanks so much to Ogreatrandom for reviewing for last chapter! For someone with such a great sense of humor to think this is funny is a big honor. I hope you will all enjoy the last installment of the parodies, and review, even if you don't.

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* * *

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**Lord of the Parodies: Return of the King**

A flashback to our least favorite villain and another dude who is probably his third cousin four times removed on his great uncle's side.

"I found a fish!" Déagol screams.

He falls in the river and comes up about 30 seconds later.

"I found a Ring!" he screams again.

"I thought you said you found a fish," says Sméagol.

"Oh, did I? I don't know. Maybe both. You know, ADD."

"Birthday present time!" He throttles Déagol and takes the Ring. "Now I can take the Precious, become invisible, and rule the Misty Mountains with MY Preciouss! And I can scream at the Sun and call it weird names."

_Three hundred years later…_

"Forgot everything, we did. Forgot how to speak Common Tongue properly. Hates the Precious, we do. Or loves it, do we? Forgot we did. ADD, we have. Schizophrenia, we have too. Know our names we do not. Now have to call ourselves Gollum, we shall."

**Forsaken Woods Between Osgiliath and Mordor**

"I'm tired," Frodo whines. "And I'm sick of carrying 52 pounds around my neck."

"Cares, we do not. Go, we all must. Close we are to Mordor!" Gollum says.

"You're a liar," Sam protests. "At the end of the last movie, we were still far off, and that was only a few minutes ago."

"For suspense, it was. Leave you hanging, the last movie had to. Do well in the box office, movies with angst do."

"I don't care," Frodo says. "Let's go throw this thing into the Cracks of Doom already, and go to our own doom in the process. How's that for angst?"

**Isengard**

"I'm hungry," Pippin whines.

"What?!" Merry says. "We loot an entire wizard's pantry and you're still thinking about food?"

"Yea, so what? Hey! Here come Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas! Let's pretend we're better than them."

"Greetings and salutations to the three warriors from afar. For what reason do you set foot on my land? For it is my land now; behold, I have single-handedly vanquished the foe. To the victor, the spoils! And the food."

"Single-handedly? He had just a _little_ help from me!"

"And me!" Treebeard puts in. "I only ran the whole operation. The nerve of young rascals!"

"A-men to that! Not doing any work and still getting to chill out at Isengard," gripes Gimli.

"Look! It's a pretty thing," says Pippin.

"Nope! It's mine." Gandalf snatches it from Pippin.

**Meduseld**

"Victory! Let's all drink," Théoden shouts.

Everyone drinks! Except Éowyn, who stares at Aragorn. The Hobbits get one too many (as usual) and start dancing on the table, which usually ends in disaster. Gandalf, who's had quite a few himself, claps and cheers.

"What about Frodo?" Aragorn asks him.

"Who cares? Don't rain on my parade."

"This, a parade? I think you mean _circus._"

**More Forsaken Woods**

Gollum shouts at the top of his lungs. "Wants to kill hobbitses all three of us do. Gets to get the Precious then, we do. All we cares about it is! Kills the hobbits!"

"Not if I kills you first!" Sam shouts.

"Sam, no! You can't kill my special friend," Frodo says.

"But he wants to kill us."

"No we don't. Stupid, fat, paranoid, delusional Hobbit. Voices in his head, they were."

"You're lying!" Sam shouts.

"Kill we do not. Lie, we never do. How even suggest it could you?" whines Gollum.

"Sam, he doesn't lie. I think you're hearing things," Frodo says.

"At least my ears _work_ and I didn't miss Gollum shouting at the top of his lungs! I'll make him pay."

**Outside Meduseld**

"My highly attuned Elvish intuition tells me that Pippin is about to do something very stupid," says Legolas.

"No! That's some sixth sense there, Blondie," says Aragorn.

"Oh yea, Mr. Sarcasm? I also happen to know that Sauron's looking for his Preciouss, right at this moment."

Aragorn shakes his head in disgust. Meanwhile, inside, Pippin looks for HIS Preciouss.

"Pippin, are you mad?" asks Merry. He thinks: _Don't answer that…_

"No. I'm elated, and perfectly calm." He picks up the Palantír."EGAD! I am on fire! Someone with intelligence greater than my own help me."

"Anyone including that rock over there?"

"Fool of a Took!! What did you tell him?" shouts Gandalf.

"Nothing important. He just wanted to know where I was currently residing. I told him Meduseld, and to stop by because the beer was so good."

"Fool of a Took!! I should just let him come and take you away. But I won't, because heroes aren't allowed to do malicious things like that." He takes out a map of Middle Earth hidden in some random place in his white cloak, closes his eyes, and points to a random spot on the map "Minas Tirith looks good. That way we'll be close to Mordor. Come on, Pippin."

"What ever possessed you to talk to that guy?" asks Merry.

"So what? He didn't seem that important anyway."

"Um, that's only the guy we've been trying to defeat for the past 2,500 years."

"Oh, really?"

"_Yes._ Pippin, I assure you that if you walk over to this wall and bang your head on it, that you will be in a much better state."

"Cool! Always room for self-improvement." He bangs his head against the wall as hard as he can. Soon he sees stars and passes out.

"Works every time."

"Fool of a Brandybuck!! Now I will have to take a pack of limp, useless baggage on my horse. Shadowfax, let's make Nascar drivers feel like they're driving go-karts."

**Road to Gray Havens**

Arwen hangs back from the group of Elves she's supposed to be traveling with. "No one loves me! Daddy and sweetheart both chased me away."

"Come on, gorgeous," Figwit says to Arwen, "don't get too far behind me."

"Umm… I think Aragorn would rather me turn back than hang out with this freak. Then I could prove my loyalty to him, and he'll be so impressed he'll fall over on his face and ask me to marry him!" To Figwit: "Yea. See you later! Wait, no I won't."

She rides back to Rivendell. "Guess who's back!"

"Arwen!" Elrond yells. "You cannot stay here and marry that lowly Ranger. You aren't even allowed to date yet. I shall not let you go."

"Dad, I'm 3,000 years old. Can't I do what I want by now for bloody crying out loud?"

"Um, no."

"Whatever. Hey, where's that sword Aragorn ordered?"

"Oops. Never got around to that. I am a busy Elf! I have not had time to tell them to work on it yet. Hey, elf-servants, get working on that sword we've had on order!"

**Minas Tirith**

"Let's go talk to that bum of a Steward who does nothing but sit on his bum and order everyone else to do all the dirty work," Gandalf suggests. "You are not to talk about Frodo, Sam, the Ring, Aragorn's inheritance of the throne, and especially not Boromir. Hail, bum of a Steward."

"Mithrandir resurrected from the dead! My worst nightmare. And son-killer! My precious, darling, perfect Boromir died because of you. I see it in your face."

"No! It wasn't my fault," Pippin says. "But I'll make it up to you anyway."

"My precious son is dead! It would take a hundred years of the finest servitude to make it up."

"I'll do it."

"Foolish Hobbit!" says Gandalf. "You don't know what you got yourself into. I am infuriated by your nobility!"

**Pippin and Gandalf's Quarters**

"I guess I have this sword just for decoration, huh?" Pippin muses.

"Of course," says Gandalf. "The fact that you are working for the defender of this city has nothing to do with the fact that you have a sword or anything."

"I wonder where Frodo and Sam are going."

"Mordor, where they've been headed for only the past six months. Go light that beacon. It's somewhere over there." He makes a huge swooping motion with his arm. "Please manage not to catch yourself on fire. We will reserve that for bum-of-a-Steward later."

**Minas Morgul**

"Big, dark, scary, dead city there is on the Right. A big tourist attraction, it is not," Gollum announces.

"I want to see what it looks like. I am drawn towards dead people," says Frodo.

"No, Mr. Frodo!"

Suddenly, a 9.0 on the Richter Scale starts up. Nazgûl exit the city.

"I guess we hide now…" Frodo observes.

They cower until the chaos is over.

"Climb long, dangerous stair we must."

"Why me?" wonders Frodo.

**Minas Tirith**

Gandalf looks at the lit beacon. "Pippin did something right, for once. There's a first and last time for everything."

**Meduseld**

"Uh-oh, Gondor's on fire. We need help!" Aragorn shouts.

"You Gondorians always do," Théoden retorts. "And we are always stuck trying to save your hides. Road trip for all warriors!"

All random warriors standing around whoop and holler, including Éowyn.

"I'm a guy, OK?" she says.

"Riight… I wish you were," says Aragorn.

**Osgiliath**

"Ready to kick some Orc hide?" Faramir asks.

"Let's do it!"

Orcs get off boats. More Orcs get off more boats. Five hours later, Orcs are still getting off their boats.

"Too many. My give up, my give up," everyone gripes.

A Nazgûl thunks into a tower, making himself very obvious. "So good to be back."

"NAZGÛL!! Run!" Faramir shouts.

Everyone runs like sissies with monsters in their closets! Then Gandalf comes and blinds all the Nazgûls.

"They're chasing us! I want my daddy," whines Faramir.

**Cirith Ungol**

The ring pops out of Frodo's cloak.

"We wants that!" Gollum reaches for it.

"No!" Frodo shouts.

"I'll help you, Mr. Frodo," Sam offers.

"No! Everyone is against me."

"Against you, we are not. And wants the Ring, we do not. How dare suggest it, do you?"

"I love you, my special friend."

"But he wants the Ring! He just said so," Sam says.

"Sam, you're bothering my special friend and me. Go home," Frodo groans.

"No! That wasn't part of the plan." Sam starts sobbing so hard that he can't see his hand in front of his face through his tears.

**Steward's Hall**

Denethor is shouting at Pippin. "Halfling, what is your sole purpose in serving me, His High Almighty Highness-ness Lord and Steward of Gondor?"

"To do whatever you tell me to, SIR!"

"You must be a genius with an IQ of 180!"

"Actually, it's 8."

"Sure. Faramir, go ride off to your death in battle."

"Ok, Daddy! Anything for you. I would suffer through the fires of the Nameless Land for you."

"Yea, well my baby Boromir would have set himself on fire for me!"

"So would I."

"Sure. I still hate you. Just go. Halfling, entertain me while I pig out in front of your face while not letting you have any food."

Gandalf shouts after Faramir. "Faramir! Do you know that you are riding to your death?"

"Well, that's what Daddy asked me to do."

"Ok, Moron. Be like that."

"How about it, Orcs? Want to fight this out with Captain of Gondor?" He twirls his spear in the air pretentiously, but he whacks himself in the head and falls off his horse! "Duhh… oops."

**Dunharrow**

"How many we got?" Théoden asks Gamling.

"I count 6,548 but that other guy over there tells me it's 6,458. So, let me start over…"

"No! I get the picture. Aragorn, I have no army."

"Don't blame me. I'm the one whose country needs help."

"Just don't say I didn't try."

**Camp, At Night**

"Arwen…" Aragorn says in his sleep.

"Sir?" the guard asks.

"Try knocking…! Um, what?"

"Some guy is here to see you."

Aragorn exits his tent. "Yes?"

'Some Guy' answers. "Théoden is asking for you."

"Yes, Théoden?"

"Some guy is here to see you."

"When will I get through this meaningless scavenger hunt for Some Guy?!"

Elrond answers. "Peace! I am Some Guy. Hello, Aragorn."

"Elrond! You had to interrupt a good dream to lead me through a meaningless scavenger hunt for you?!"

"Fine, then, if you don't want your sword, I'll just leave. No skin off my nose."

"Wait! Is this the sword I've had on order since we left Rivendell?"

"Yes. Here it is. Sorry, I am a busy Elf."

"Yay. I shall name it Andúril and it will be my Preciouss."

"You can use it to go under that scary mountain and summon an army more deadly – I mean, more dead – or maybe I mean both –"

"There's no way I'm doing that."

"Fine, then you'll never see Arwen again because you'll die in battle."

"But I chased her away?"

"Some job you did. She came back. But I'm a busy Elf. I cannot stand here and waste my time trying to persuade stubborn men. Bye."

"Fine, I'll go!" Aragorn determines.

"No, don't!" Éowyn yells.

"I will. For Arwen, for whom I would go to the ends of the Middle-earth."

Éowyn stays back and sobs.

"Hey, if I come along, does that mean I get a girl?" asks Gimli.

Legolas snickers. "Yea, a dead one. Sorry, Gimli. With a face like that, I don't think you'll get a girl no matter what you do. I shall come along, too. Not that I need any more girls. I've already got every girl on earth (and off earth) swooning over me." He flips his perfect blonde hair with a perfectly smooth, graceful motion of his hand.

Gimli rolls his eyes. "Rub it in, Blondie."

"Shall we go? All for all and one for one… I think that's it."

"Let's go to our séance!" shouts Aragorn.

"You shall all join us shortly!" the King of the Dead announces. "Muahaha!"

"Not me! I have a pretty sword with pretty markings," says Aragorn.

The Dead People oooh and aaah.

"So who wants to follow me and see it in battle?"

"I do!" all the Dead People say in unison.

"Hey, cutie," one random dead female says to Gimli.

"Oh, brother," Gimli groans. "Yea, that's right. Go after my brother."

The Army of Rohan watches Aragorn and company enter the Scary Spot. "They're mad!"

Théoden groans. "Well, we're on our own. Éowyn, stay here, look pretty, and cook and sew like a real woman. Merry, you stay with her."

"But I'm a dude, too! I want to fight," says Merry.

"Too small." Théoden rides off.

"No hard feelings. He thinks I'm too small, too. How about we sneak off into battle together?" suggests Éowyn.

"Let's go for it!"

**Gates of Minas Tirith**

Soldiers drag Faramir's limp body in to Denethor.

"My baby!" Denethor whines. "Actually, I didn't really want him. Let's burn him alive under the pretense that I think he's dead."

"Not if I can help it!" says Pippin.

Denethor walks to the wall and sees 50 billion Orcs waiting to make a mincemeat feast out of the city. "This is bad! Everyone run away!"

"Um… no." Gandalf whacks Denethor with his trusty staff. "Everyone run into battle."

"Um… ok," everyone answers dumbly.

Fight! Dead people's heads fly through the air and create more dead people, Gandalf consistently whacks 3 Orcs at a time, Pippin stands in the middle of the place like a decoration, and wimpy Soldiers run to the second level.

**Shelob's Lair**

"This place looks bad," observes Frodo.

"All places bad in Mordor. Chose this, you did," says Gollum.

"No. Stupid Council of Elrond chose it for me! Gandalf left me to die in this forsaken land. Why poor little me?"

"If goes back you do to green Shire, then no more bad places there will be."

"Nah. Sam is going that way. I'll stay here with you, special friend." He enters the tunnel. A huge spider soon makes itself known. "Egad! Special friend hates me. Everyone wants me to die!"

He runs out of the tunnel crying, and gets caught in a web. Gollum charges at him trying to get the Ring.

"I don't think so!" Somehow, Frodo manages a miraculous escape thanks to Sting. Gollum is left hanging in the web. "Now see what it feels like." He runs out of the tunnel but gets bitten by the spider anyway! "Duhh… rabies."

Suddenly, Sam pops out of nowhere and conveniently has Galadriel's phial. "Don't hurt Mr. Frodo. I'll Sting you!" He stings Shelob right in the eye. Said spider retreats to tunnel and protagonists prevail. Big surprise. BUT…! "Mr. Frodo! I'm sorry you're dead. Orcs!"

"Look, a dead dude. Except he's not really dead. You know what that means," an Orc says.

"Happy time!" shout the rest of the Orcs.

"He's not dead? Master, I'm coming!" Sam says.

**Minas Tirith**

"I like fire," says Denethor.

"You should see the city outside," the Guards say.

"Well, then, let's make the Tower match!"

"I am going to do something heroic!" Pippin goes looking for Gandalf.

Meanwhile, at the battle…

"Go get 'em, boys!" shouts Gothmog.

"Run!" shouts Gandalf.

Théoden and company arrive on the Pelennor Fields. "Charge! Go get 'em, boys!"

"AND girl! Sheesh," shouts Éowyn.

"Gandalf! Come save Faramir," Pippin demands.

"Can't you see I'm multitasking here? I have to shout orders, whack Orcs, not to mention blink, breathe, and talk all at the same time. I am a busy wizard!"

"You're a wizard?"

"Yes! Fine, I'll come save Faramir. Denethor, put an end to this!"

"That's what I'm doing." He grabs a torch and throws it on top of the pyre.

"Yay!" Pippin shouts. "Time to be super heroic." He pulls Faramir out of the fire.

"Oh, and you needed MY help for that?" shouts Gandalf.

"Oops."

"What about me? Will no one save me?" Denethor jumps off the promontory.

"Good riddance," everyone says.

**Pelennor**

"Yay, we're winning!" Théoden shouts.

"Not anymore," the Oliphaunts retort.

"Oh yea?" Éowyn says. She gets perilously close to the Oliphaunts' legs, and miraculously avoids being trampled about 26 times. She also takes about 26 Oliphaunts down in the process. "Take that. You got beat by a woman!"

**Minas Tirith**

"I'm going to die," whines Pippin.

"It isn't that bad. Trust me. I speak from experience," says Gandalf.

**Pelennor**

The Witcth-King slices Théoden off his horse. "Take that, King of Rohan!"

Éowyn cuts the neck off the Nazgûl's steed. "Take that, dragon!"

"You must die," says the Witch-King.

"So must everyone, including you."

"I can't."

"How about it?" Merry comes from behind and slices Nazgûl's knee. "Yes! I got to do something heroic."

Éowyn stabs the Nazgûl's face. "Take that. You got beat by a woman!"

"Duhh…" He collapses.

"Théoden…"

"Don't worry about me, Éowyn. I get to go to Happy Land."

She bawls anyway.

**Anduin**

"Look, we've got company!" shouts and Orc.

"You bet," says Aragorn.

The dead army comes out and just runs over everybody, and they vanquish the whole lot! Can every battle be that easy?

The King of the Dead gets bored. "We have seen pretty sword. Let us go to Happy Land now."

"No way!" retorts Gimli.

Aragorn sighs. "Alas, I must. Heroes always have to be honorable and comply to every proper request. Go ahead."

The Dead People disappear.

"Merry! I miraculously found you among this battlefield littered with Orcs," says Pippin.

"I am happy."

**Tower of Cirith Ungol**

Shagrat shouts, "I want pretty shirt!"

Gorbag shouts back, "I want it!"

Random Orcs file into the room and all shout, "I want it!"

Killing fest! Soon there are only a few left… for Sam, who enters.

"This party's over." He learns how to properly brandish a sword in two seconds and he vanquishes the whole lot.

"Sam! You saved me," Frodo says. "Will you be my special friend?"

"That's all I've been trying to do for the past 2 and a half movies!"

"Then what are we waiting for? To the Cracks of Doom! Only this time, let's dress up like Orcs!"

"Sounds like fun!"

**Minas Tirith**

"All is Doom and gloom! Frodo will never make it," Gandalf gripes.

"Not our problem," Gimli says.

"Nonsense! The heroes always make the other heroes' problems their problems. It's all for one and one for all."

"That's how it goes!" Legolas exclaims.

"Anyway, we are going to sit here and die unless we ride out to battle and die. The heroes have to always die on the move! Let's go."

"Sounds like fun!" Legolas shouts.

"What are we waiting for?" asks Gimli.

"No one pay attention to me or anything. You'd think Gandalf was King," Aragorn gripes.

**Mordor**

"Look!" Sam says. "All the Orcs must have ADD caused by the Ring. They're all going to the gate."

"Yay! Let's do this thingy," says Frodo.

The Eye turns to them. "Did you say ADD Ring?!"

"Oops! Hide," Sam shouts. "Ok, it's gone already. He has ADD too."

**Black Gate**

"How about it? Wanna try and best the King of Gondor?" asks Aragorn.

Orcs laugh. "Hah! We serve King of Middle-earth."

"Not if I can help it."

**Mordor**

"Why are we here again? I want to go home and see cherry blossoms," says Frodo.

"Oh no! The ADD is getting you!" Sam says.

"I want to eat strawberries. And cream. Man, I'm dehydrated."

"Come on! You're supposed to go to your doom at the Cracks of Doom." He drags Frodo in that general direction. BUT…! Miraculously, Gollum shows up.

"Guess who shows up, escaped from the web of big spider, preciouss."

"Not you!" Sam shouts.

"Gollum, my name is. Too easy on the heroes, it cannot be. Provide drama, I do, by miraculously escaping."

"Try escaping me!"

Fight! They both beat each other up, but no one gets hurt. Frodo ignores them.

"Oh yea. My special friend that left me. Aren't I supposed to be heading towards that ominous volcanic mass?" He walks towards it.

"Mr. Frodo, wait!"

Frodo enters the Cracks of Doom. "What was I in here for again?"

"To throw golden ring into golden-yellow-reddish lava."

"What ring? Oh well, I guess I'll go home now."

Gollum shouts, "Escape you cannot! CHOMP."

"Ow!"

"My Precioussssssssssssssss!!!!" He jumps up and down from excitement, but loses his balance and tumbles into the fiery abyss! He's finally dead… for good.

"Big explosion. Time to leave," announces Sam.

"Where are we?"

"Good old Mount Doom, remember?"

"No. Oh well. Let's sit on the only rock that's not burning in this land."

They sit on the rock while Doom goes Kaboom. Then eagles come and pick them up. Our heroes are safe!

**Minas Tirith**

"Where am I?" Frodo asks.

"Minas Tirith," Gandalf answers.

"Gandalf!! Wait, you're supposed to be dead."

"I take that personally."

"Yea, well I take you leaving me about 52 times personally."

The Fellowship files in.

"Hi, everyone! Hey, people like me now. Hello, Sam, my special friend."

**Coronation**

Gandalf sets a crown on Aragorn's head. "Hail, King Aragorn son of Arathorn of the house of Valandil Isildur's son, heir of Elendil, Elessar, the Elfstone, the Dúnadan, Strider, Longshanks."

"Gandalf the Gray, the White, Mithrandir, Tharkûn, Olórin, Incánus, I thank you."

"This will be a day long remembered, not because it marks the return of the King, but because the King Aragorn, Elessar, Strider, etc. thanked me."

Legolas approaches. "Aragorn, special delivery! Rather large package."

"You're not special. And you're not large. You're just a pretty Elf boy that weighs, what, 20 pounds?"

"No, not me, her!" He points to Arwen.

"Arwen!" To Legolas: "Are you calling my bride fat?" He _slaps_ Legolas!

Elrond bawls. "This is the saddest day of my life!"

"See you daddy. Hey, honey, let's smooch in front of everybody."

"Wait! Heroes have to first recognize those who have helped him." To Éowyn and Faramir: "Congrats." To the Hobbits: "Thanks a lot. Ok, Arwen, now let's smooch."

"Ok, guys, let's go home," says Frodo.

**The Shire**

"Hey, what makes you so important?" asks a random old fat dude.

"I only saved your hide along with everybody else in Middle-earth. That's all," Frodo retorts.

"Hey look, there's Rosie Cotton dancing! Rosie, let's get married," Sam says.

"Ok, sounds like fun."

At the wedding:

"Do you?" asks the wedding guy.

"Yes," says Sam.

"Do you?"

"Yes," says Rosie.

"Good. You're married."

"Congrats, Sam. Hey, wanna read my new book?" asks Frodo.

"_The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. _Mr. Frodo, this will be a bestseller."

"Ok, Mr. Prophet. Know where we're going now?"

"Road trip!"

Bilbo sits like a veggie on Frodo's lap. "Where's my Preciouss?"

"Bilbo, through a series of unfortunate circumstances totally beyond my control… I seem to have mislocated it."

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"I mean, I deliberately traveled about 500 miles to throw it in fire!"

"Oh, that's more like it."

**Gray Havens**

"I am leaving. I refuse to live on this earth when my daughter is married to that mess of a mortal King," says Elrond.

"I am leaving because I don't even have the power for my 88 rules anymore! Maybe overseas I can continue being a control freak," says Galadriel.

"Finally, I get my retirement. Bilbo, you do too," says Gandalf.

"Yay!" shouts Bilbo.

"And Frodo."

"Yes! I get to be like Elves."

"Wait! I don't care about anybody else, but Frodo can't go!" Sam protests.

"Too late," says Gandalf.

Sam, Merry, and Pippin start bawling their eyes out.

Frodo says farewell: "Bye, I'll miss you guys. Sam, you get to write in this pretty book. It's therapeutic. And when it goes bestseller, you'll get 100 of the proceeds since Bilbo and I are gone."

"But I can't write," says Sam.

"Oops. Take it anyway."

"This is too sad. What ever happened to happily ever after?"

"What have you been telling me for the past three movies, Sam? _There's gotta be some drama. _You see, bittersweet endings are the new trend. All the heroes survive, but something happens to one. Then everyone is intrigued, and it does well at the box office. Then really everyone is happy."

"Except me."

"I do not have 56 hours. I am a busy elf! This boat leaves Middle-earth right now. All aboard," says Elrond.

"We are about to miss our ride," Gandalf shouts.

Frodo answers, "Fine, I'm coming." He hops on along with Bilbo, Galadriel, Celeborn, and Elrond. That really makes him feel VIP. His smile is the last thing we see before the screen goes black.

**The End**

_…For good!!_


End file.
